Saturday, June 27, 2009

I Blame Tina Arena (and 90s pop in general)

I blame them ...

for turning me into the spineless googly-eyed anything-for-love female I am today.

They formed me. Their lyrics burning into my 12-year-old brain so deeply that I can still recite the lyrics of their propaganda with feelings. (And sometimes replete with actions :P)

"But EVERYONE has been stupid for love", you say, patting me consolingly on the head. That may be true. But I think when your dating life can be summed up by songs similar to those cited above, then the stupidity has reached levels of low Satan hasn't even discovered yet.

Cases in point:

1. It's your birthday. You've just come home after several days of being out-of-town. You have just been robbed of nearly 1000 US dollars. Your boyfriend of nearly a decade not only fails to buy you a gift or a card but proceeds to shout at you because HE forgot to cook you dinner.
You try to appease him (yes, you read that right) and tell him dinner is not as important as his company, he calms down for two minutes then starts yelling again.

What do you do?
a) Leave. For good.
b) Slap him across the face then piledrive him to kingdom come.
c) Hear Tina Arena croon: "If I didn't love you, if I didn't love you like crazy,
if I
didn't love you baby as much as I do, I would walk out that door...if I
love you." as you hug him and comfort him and ask him to calm down.

Guess what my answer was.

2. A guy you were set up with finally asks you out after one month of vague texts. On the night of your date, he texts that he'll meet you "8-ish". You know that isn't an actual time but decide to let it slip since he's a friend of a friend (mistake number 1). Cut to 9:00pm and Mr. 8-ish is still "on the road." Note that you do not even have a smidgen of a crush on this guy, so what do you do?

a) Stop replying and call your gfs. The night is young.
b) SMS him that you're leaving then wait for him to call and grovel.
c) Just wait. For another half-hour.

Again, guess which letter I encircled?

3. After 2 weeks of dating you, a guy claims to want to be with you for the long haul. He makes all these speeches that ultimately convince you that it's time to take him seriously. So you do. And after 12 days, he dumps you. More specifically, a day after he introduces you to his friends, he dumps you. Citing reasons such as: "We're too happy that I am unhappy." "My heart's not into it." and "I am damaged goods." A week after this flumoxxing break-up you hear rumors that he's back with his married geriatric ex. You message him online and ask if it's true, he answers you a curt "no" and never signs on again.

Do I even need to post a multiple choice query?

I should sue Tina Arena.

No comments:

Post a Comment